We go outside where I politely ask Stewart to take a shit for the 5th time that day. He goes pee and stares at me. So we head inside to find the check-in desk for our new airline.  I can't find it. The security guy tells me it's at one terminal. The baggage people say it's at another. Stewart finds it to be the opportune moment to take a very mushy poo on the floor (still all soft from the shitty dog food), which I promptly step in. It's smeared all over the floor, so I have to wipe it up with my makeup removing wipes. It's in all the crevices of my shoe, as well. I dig a mechanical pencil out of my bag to clean out the indents. Now I smell like poop and 30 hours of travel.We have two hours to mill about before we can check into our flight so we grab a burrito and bark at trash cans. Then we get in line to check-in. We wait.  We get to the front where we are told we don't have a guaranteed spot.

​

What.

They are over-booked and we are not a priority, because we are not originally scheduled on this flight. They say it is unlikely we will get on. I cry and tell them my dog has very specific paperwork allowing entry to Portugal which will expire if we don't get on this flight. Stewart whimpers. It's all very cute, but we are sent away until a later time.

We go to the bar, where Stewart barks at the bartender for opening the cash register too loudly (it was excessive), but I also get a double pour of wine because Stewart is cute and we are sad. I pray to the travel gods and frantically look for other flights. There are none leaving Boston for more than 24 hours.

We go back to the gate at the allocated time. There is a long line of sad people who just want to get to Lisbon. We all lament... and miraculously they pluck me out of the middle of the line!!! I feel guilty, as I jump ahead of all my new friends. But, eek! Do they have room?!

They do, they do! And they pet Stewart (he gets away with everything, it's me that has bad luck), but we are on a different airline than we had originally booked and it has a whole new set of strict rules about baggage. So, essentially everything that I carefully weighed out at home is now too heavy.

But they didn't weigh Stewart in his travel carrier. So we head to the bathroom and I start stuffing jewelry and books in my pants and Stewart gets new roommates too - a gallon bag of mini liquids, a photo album, makeup, and a pair of shoes. He also gets a peanut butter treat because he's the boss and it keeps him quiet. So for our efforts and stealth we are awarded a boarding pass!

We go through security and I am visibly elated.  The TSA agent is weirded out by my smile and asks where I'm going - because who is THAT happy about airport security. And I give him the short version of this ballad and he's also excited. He moves me to the fast lane! Wow!

We get to the other side of security, where there is a Legal Seafood Outpost. Who wants some lobster bisque more - me or Stew? My dear dog is slipping all over the polished airport floors as he clamors to get as close as possible to the fishy goodness. He is my child, what can I say. But we don't have time. We run to our gate and they are already boarding. Shit! Stew hasn't taken his anxiety meds for the flight. He's also still in bunk with all my shit stuffed in the bag.

I quickly move all the shit back to my original carry on and bite his anxiety pill in half (he's prescribed half a pill an hour before boarding the plane - which I didn't want to give him unless I knew we'd be flying). Normally, I cut it apart with a knife like a decent pet owner, but there isn't time and my incisors will do. And omg. My tongue went numb. No wonder he is a saint on this medication. So we try to get in line for boarding, but it is long and no end in sight. Some lovely lady pulls me in near the front and says, "where have you been we've been looking for you?"

My incredibly naive self is like, "Oh hey, who are you?!?!" And she whispers, "Get in front of me, you have a dog, poor thing." And the humans of the earth save me once again.

And all is well. Let the adventure begin - expect the unexpected, stay calm, and keep smiling.